The Country Shrink

Useful Quotes

TCS — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 21:55:10 +0000

This will be an expanding post as time goes by. I wanted to collect in one place, quotes that I find convey wisdom.

“Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” – CS Lewis

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

The Chinese symbol for crisis is a combination of danger and opportunity.

“Be merciful to those who doubt.” – Jude 1:22

“Life is difficult.” – M. Scott Peck

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

Closing Open Windows in Your Life

TCS — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 13:14:43 +0000

Open Windows

Are you the type of person who tends to have trouble letting go of the day’s events? Do things that happen during the day tend to be on your mind throughout the evening and into the next day?

Perhaps a story would be of benefit.

I do a lot of work on computers. In the past, I tended to leave many different windows open on my computer. Many of those would be browser windows with multiple tabs left open, just in case I wanted to come back to it later in the day. Or some other time even during the week. The problem is that my computer tends to become bogged down after awhile. It begins to run slower and slower even though I haven’t really opened additional windows to all the ones I already have open. And when I go home in the evening, I put my laptop into sleep mode to take it with me. The problem is that it takes longer and longer to go into sleep mode and longer and longer to come out of sleep mode.

So it occurred to me recently to set a policy for myself. When I put the computer down I will close all open windows. The interesting thing is, this forces me to save any open work. I can always re-open it later, but it doesn’t have to chew up resources of my computer. And when I put the computer into sleep mode, it goes there very rapidly, and comes back out of it very rapidly. It’s not bogged down with open tasks that I may, or may not return to. And I find that a lot of times, when a person makes a change like this, it reflects what is taking place, in a broader sense, in their own minds.

Figuring Out Who You Are

TCS — Tue, 31 May 2011 00:41:41 +0000

A lot of people struggle with figuring out who they truly are. It’s vexing. It’s confusing. It’s paralyzing for some. And there are a lot of different reasons why this happens. A few reasons might be: excessive desire to please others/conform, feeling very dependent on others, severe inconsistencies in childhood/traumas, mixed feelings about forming attachments to others, and profound disconfirmations of a way of viewing the world, to name but a few.

I remember when I first decided what my favorite color would be. I was sitting in Kindergarten, and the teacher was going around the room asking what our various favorite things were (such as favorite cartoon and favorite color). I knew what my favorite cartoon was, but I didn’t know what my favorite color was. I had never been asked that question before, and had never thought about it. I began to feel some anxiety build. Everyone seemed to know what their favorite color was but me.

Then a friend of mine who sat near to me was called on to name his favorite color. He very confidently stated that his favorite color was blue. I sure liked the confident and certain way that he said his favorite color was blue. I decided, then and there, that my favorite color would be blue. That color remains my favorite color to this day, and I can confidently say today, that my favorite color is blue.

Now some people tend to develop their preferences as a rebellious action against others. Mom and dad believe something; therefore, I’ll believe the opposite. Jane’s favorite color is white, and I don’t like Jane, so my favorite color will be black. It’s healthier to have your opinions shaped based on a choice related to someone you admire or look up to rather than as a negative reaction to someone. Because otherwise your identity becomes infused with anger or just a strong tendency to automatically turn left when other people turn right. And if that’s what you do, it’s not too late to start looking up to someone else and to use that respected other’s opinions as a source of guidance about what you can come to like. And when we do something that departs from our normal patterns, it makes us feel more real and authentic because we chose to do something different.

And it’s good to start trying out new activities to see what it is that you like and what it is that you don’t like. It’s good to try new foods to figure out if you like the food or if you don’t like the food. And with every new thing you do, you will know more about who you are.

And if you are a person who fears disapproval and who always changes opinions based on who you are around, you can begin to slowly experiment with stating your own values and opinions. Otherwise you are being fake just to avoid being displeasing. Now you can’t please everyone even if you try to, and some people are very good at picking up on people who are just trying to be pleasing. And these people don’t like people who are just trying to be pleasing or who are being fake. So, if you know that some people are not going to like you no matter what, you might as well make the people who won’t like the real you, not like you by stating your real opinions. Then you’ll make the people who like the real you, like you for being yourself rather than just agreeing with them. This is a win-win situation.

Picking at Old Scars

TCS — Mon, 30 May 2011 22:46:06 +0000

When I was in elementary school, there was another kid who was a friend of mine who had a curious habit. I noticed that he often had a number open scabs on his arms, hands, and legs. One day, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked him about the scabs. He was somewhat embarrassed to explain that every time he had an injury and it healed to the point of being a scar, he would dig at the old scars until it bled again. Thus, he would start the process all over again and wait until it was healed to pick it until it bled again. He just couldn’t stop it.

I hadn’t thought about this for nearly three decades and had consciously forgotten all about this. Then I had been trying to solve a vexing emotional concern of my own over an extended period of time with little luck. One night I had a dream about my childhood friend who picked his scars, and realized that this applied to the particular emotional difficulty I was trying to resolve.

Sometimes we have already healed from particular emotional wounds, but notice the old scar and begin to pick at it until it bleeds. But once we realize it is already healed, we can begin to let those old scars be, because they have already been healed.

Paddling a Canoe in Relationships

TCS — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 22:46:05 +0000

Your Relationships

When we have a relationship with another person, it’s a lot like the two of us are in a canoe. Some relationships are like you are doing all the paddling. Some are like the other person does it all. Some people find that the other person always does most of the paddling. Others find that they do it all.

It’s good to pace your paddling to the speed of the other person. You might get to feeling like things are going too slow and you will never get to your destination, so you start doing extra paddling and wind up exhausted and angry. Or you might feel like the other person is more powerful and have a desire to let them do the paddling for you.

But the best relationships are the ones where the paddling happens to an equal amount. So then you both arrive at the destination feeling much better than if you had paddled alone, and that satisfying feeling of knowing you both worked to get to your destination.

A Creek in the Woods in Psychotherapy

TCS — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 22:40:57 +0000

Have you ever been on a walk through the woods and come across an old creek bed–a path that a creek used to flow down, but at some point in the past has taken a new course? Well, when you begin making changes, it’s like a creek beginning to take a new course. It generally takes time for the new path to deepen. At first, water only rarely flows down the new path. As it deepens, water can often flow down both paths. As it deepens further, it will flow down the new path most of the time. Only when there is a heavy rain, does water flow down the old path. When there is a heavy rain under these conditions, water flows down both paths at the same time. Eventually, the old path begins to gradually fill in with trees, fallen leaves, and dirt. It takes a heavier and heavier rain to fill in the old creek bed. And in the end, there is a slight depression in the earth that only takes on water in the heaviest of rains, but it is a very small amount compared to the water that is flowing down the new path.

When you begin making changes, it is like the water beginning to take a new path. Most of the time it flows down the old path. As you progress, you might spend about 50% of the time in one path and 50% in the other. Eventually, you’ll stick with the new path most of the time. However, under times of stress or tumult (think heavy rain), the water will again flow down the new path. Now, there is no need to be distressed about this. Even though you are going down the old path under times of stress, you are also going down the new path at the same time. So, when the old patterns emerge, you will also see elements of the new pattern. You will see that the symptoms are not quite as intense as they were, and you may stop short of doing things that were problematic in the past (the new path). Over time the old path begins to fill in from lack of use. It begins to weaken, and the new path continues to strengthen and deepen.

Chiseling Away at the Boulder in Psychotherapy

TCS — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 22:37:46 +0000

Your Life's Difficulties

When you enter treatment there is often a feeling that your difficulties are like a great big boulder. You have tried and tried to move it on your own, but it is just too big and heavy. When we first start out, both you and I can move the boulder together. As time goes on, we carefully analyze the boulder for cracks, where chunks of the boulder can be chiseled away. Sometimes, we’re able to find a spot where a large chunk can be chiseled away. Other times, it’s slow going and there is much effort involved to chisel out a small piece. You are the one who does all the chiseling. I help you to discover the cracks and analyze the boulder.

As you continue to chisel away, the boulder slowly shrinks. It gets to the point where you need less and less help in moving it. Eventually, you find that it is small enough to push around on the ground on your own. You and I work together to continue looking for cracks where to chisel to make the boulder more manageable. For some people, that boulder gets shrunken down to the size of a grain of sand. For others, it’s remains somewhat heavy, but can be put in a backpack that results in some fatigue, and perhaps a little pain at times, but is manageable.

Draining the Swamp Lands

TCS — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 19:03:20 +0000

Swamp land can certainly have a few uses. It can be used for wildlife preserves or fishing. But many times, it can be more useful to drain a particular area of swamp land if one wishes to use the ground for other purposes. I sometimes have conversations with patients about how they might go about draining a swamp and what it might be used for later. Canals can be useful for draining the swamp and diverting in-flowing water sources. Levies can be useful for keeping water out during times of heavy flooding. Land that was formerly a swamp can often be quite fertile for growing crops. And often a person can think of other ways to drain the swamp and for how they might use the land after it is drained.

Finding the Highest Path

TCS — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 18:51:54 +0000

Most people have within them a desire to seek a higher path than the one they’re on. For different reasons, they sometimes have difficulty doing this. They might believe they can’t handle a higher path or might be scared of the terrain. Or they may not trust their sense of direction. Or they may feel like the path they’re on is dangerous, but at least it’s familiar. In any event, in treatment, they begin to feel a sense of safety that will allow them to venture to ever higher paths. When they take a higher path for the first time, they might be scared. Over time, they grow more comfortable with an idea of a higher path, and they keep taking higher and higher paths until they find the highest path.

Polypharmacy becoming more prevalent for children

TCS — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 04:05:20 +0000

http://www.medscape.como/viewarticle/729311?src=rss