A lot of people struggle with figuring out who they truly are. It’s vexing. It’s confusing. It’s paralyzing for some. And there are a lot of different reasons why this happens. A few reasons might be: excessive desire to please others/conform, feeling very dependent on others, severe inconsistencies in childhood/traumas, mixed feelings about forming attachments to others, and profound disconfirmations of a way of viewing the world, to name but a few.

I remember when I first decided what my favorite color would be. I was sitting in Kindergarten, and the teacher was going around the room asking what our various favorite things were (such as favorite cartoon and favorite color). I knew what my favorite cartoon was, but I didn’t know what my favorite color was. I had never been asked that question before, and had never thought about it. I began to feel some anxiety build. Everyone seemed to know what their favorite color was but me.

Then a friend of mine who sat near to me was called on to name his favorite color. He very confidently stated that his favorite color was blue. I sure liked the confident and certain way that he said his favorite color was blue. I decided, then and there, that my favorite color would be blue. That color remains my favorite color to this day, and I can confidently say today, that my favorite color is blue.

Now some people tend to develop their preferences as a rebellious action against others. Mom and dad believe something; therefore, I’ll believe the opposite. Jane’s favorite color is white, and I don’t like Jane, so my favorite color will be black. It’s healthier to have your opinions shaped based on a choice related to someone you admire or look up to rather than as a negative reaction to someone. Because otherwise your identity becomes infused with anger or just a strong tendency to automatically turn left when other people turn right. And if that’s what you do, it’s not too late to start looking up to someone else and to use that respected other’s opinions as a source of guidance about what you can come to like. And when we do something that departs from our normal patterns, it makes us feel more real and authentic because we chose to do something different.

And it’s good to start trying out new activities to see what it is that you like and what it is that you don’t like. It’s good to try new foods to figure out if you like the food or if you don’t like the food. And with every new thing you do, you will know more about who you are.

And if you are a person who fears disapproval and who always changes opinions based on who you are around, you can begin to slowly experiment with stating your own values and opinions. Otherwise you are being fake just to avoid being displeasing. Now you can’t please everyone even if you try to, and some people are very good at picking up on people who are just trying to be pleasing. And these people don’t like people who are just trying to be pleasing or who are being fake. So, if you know that some people are not going to like you no matter what, you might as well make the people who won’t like the real you, not like you by stating your real opinions. Then you’ll make the people who like the real you, like you for being yourself rather than just agreeing with them. This is a win-win situation.

 

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