Paddling a Canoe in Relationships

Your Relationships

When we have a relationship with another person, it’s a lot like the two of us are in a canoe. Some relationships are like you are doing all the paddling.  Some are like the other person does it all.  Some people find that the other person always does most of the paddling.  Others find that they do it all.

It’s good to pace your paddling to the speed of the other person.  You might get to feeling like things are going too slow and you will never get to your destination, so you start doing extra paddling and wind up exhausted and angry.  Or you might feel like the other person is more powerful and have a desire to let them do the paddling for you.

But the best relationships are the ones where the paddling happens to an equal amount.  So then you both arrive at the destination feeling much better than if you had paddled alone, and that satisfying feeling of knowing you both worked to get to your destination.

A Creek in the Woods in Psychotherapy

Have you ever been on a walk through the woods and come across an old creek bed–a path that a creek used to flow down, but at some point in the past has taken a new course? Well, when you begin making changes, it’s like a creek beginning to take a new course. It generally takes time for the new path to deepen. At first, water only rarely flows down the new path. As it deepens, water can often flow down both paths. As it deepens further, it will flow down the new path most of the time. Only when there is a heavy rain, does water flow down the old path. When there is a heavy rain under these conditions, water flows down both paths at the same time. Eventually, the old path begins to gradually fill in with trees, fallen leaves, and dirt. It takes a heavier and heavier rain to fill in the old creek bed. And in the end, there is a slight depression in the earth that only takes on water in the heaviest of rains, but it is a very small amount compared to the water that is flowing down the new path.

When you begin making changes, it is like the water beginning to take a new path. Most of the time it flows down the old path. As you progress, you might spend about 50% of the time in one path and 50% in the other. Eventually, you’ll stick with the new path most of the time. However, under times of stress or tumult (think heavy rain), the water will again flow down the new path. Now, there is no need to be distressed about this. Even though you are going down the old path under times of stress, you are also going down the new path at the same time. So, when the old patterns emerge, you will also see elements of the new pattern. You will see that the symptoms are not quite as intense as they were, and you may stop short of doing things that were problematic in the past (the new path). Over time the old path begins to fill in from lack of use. It begins to weaken, and the new path continues to strengthen and deepen.

 

Chiseling Away at the Boulder in Psychotherapy

Your Life's Difficulties

When you enter treatment there is often a feeling that your difficulties are like a great big boulder. You have tried and tried to move it on your own, but it is just too big and heavy. When we first start out, both you and I can move the boulder together. As time goes on, we carefully analyze the boulder for cracks, where chunks of the boulder can be chiseled away. Sometimes, we’re able to find a spot where a large chunk can be chiseled away. Other times, it’s slow going and there is much effort involved to chisel out a small piece. You are the one who does all the chiseling. I help you to discover the cracks and analyze the boulder.

As you continue to chisel away, the boulder slowly shrinks. It gets to the point where you need less and less help in moving it. Eventually, you find that it is small enough to push around on the ground on your own. You and I work together to continue looking for cracks where to chisel to make the boulder more manageable. For some people, that boulder gets shrunken down to the size of a grain of sand. For others, it’s remains somewhat heavy, but can be put in a backpack that results in some fatigue, and perhaps a little pain at times, but is manageable.