Useful Quotes

This will be an expanding post as time goes by.  I wanted to collect in one place, quotes that I find convey wisdom.

“Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” – CS Lewis

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

The Chinese symbol for crisis is a combination of danger and opportunity.

“Be merciful to those who doubt.” – Jude 1:22

“Life is difficult.” – M. Scott Peck

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

 

 

Closing Open Windows in Your Life

Open Windows

Are you the type of person who tends to have trouble letting go of the day’s events?  Do things that happen during the day tend to be on your mind throughout the evening and into the next day?

Perhaps a story would be of benefit.

I do a lot of work on computers.  In the past, I tended to leave many different windows open on my computer.  Many of those would be browser windows with multiple tabs left open, just in case I wanted to come back to it later in the day.  Or some other time even during the week.  The problem is that my computer tends to become bogged down after awhile.  It begins to run slower and slower even though I haven’t really opened additional windows to all the ones I already have open.  And when I go home in the evening, I put my laptop into sleep mode to take it with me.  The problem is that it takes longer and longer to go into sleep mode and longer and longer to come out of sleep mode.

So it occurred to me recently to set a policy for myself.  When I put the computer down I will close all open windows.  The interesting thing is, this forces me to save any open work.  I can always re-open it later, but it doesn’t have to chew up resources of my computer.  And when I put the computer into sleep mode, it goes there very rapidly, and comes back out of it very rapidly.  It’s not bogged down with open tasks that I may, or may not return to.  And I find that a lot of times, when a person makes a change like this, it reflects what is taking place, in a broader sense, in their own minds.

Figuring Out Who You Are

 

A lot of people struggle with figuring out who they truly are. It’s vexing. It’s confusing. It’s paralyzing for some. And there are a lot of different reasons why this happens. A few reasons might be: excessive desire to please others/conform, feeling very dependent on others, severe inconsistencies in childhood/traumas, mixed feelings about forming attachments to others, and profound disconfirmations of a way of viewing the world, to name but a few.

I remember when I first decided what my favorite color would be. I was sitting in Kindergarten, and the teacher was going around the room asking what our various favorite things were (such as favorite cartoon and favorite color). I knew what my favorite cartoon was, but I didn’t know what my favorite color was. I had never been asked that question before, and had never thought about it. I began to feel some anxiety build. Everyone seemed to know what their favorite color was but me.

Then a friend of mine who sat near to me was called on to name his favorite color. He very confidently stated that his favorite color was blue. I sure liked the confident and certain way that he said his favorite color was blue. I decided, then and there, that my favorite color would be blue. That color remains my favorite color to this day, and I can confidently say today, that my favorite color is blue.

Now some people tend to develop their preferences as a rebellious action against others. Mom and dad believe something; therefore, I’ll believe the opposite. Jane’s favorite color is white, and I don’t like Jane, so my favorite color will be black. It’s healthier to have your opinions shaped based on a choice related to someone you admire or look up to rather than as a negative reaction to someone. Because otherwise your identity becomes infused with anger or just a strong tendency to automatically turn left when other people turn right. And if that’s what you do, it’s not too late to start looking up to someone else and to use that respected other’s opinions as a source of guidance about what you can come to like. And when we do something that departs from our normal patterns, it makes us feel more real and authentic because we chose to do something different.

And it’s good to start trying out new activities to see what it is that you like and what it is that you don’t like. It’s good to try new foods to figure out if you like the food or if you don’t like the food. And with every new thing you do, you will know more about who you are.

And if you are a person who fears disapproval and who always changes opinions based on who you are around, you can begin to slowly experiment with stating your own values and opinions. Otherwise you are being fake just to avoid being displeasing. Now you can’t please everyone even if you try to, and some people are very good at picking up on people who are just trying to be pleasing. And these people don’t like people who are just trying to be pleasing or who are being fake. So, if you know that some people are not going to like you no matter what, you might as well make the people who won’t like the real you, not like you by stating your real opinions. Then you’ll make the people who like the real you, like you for being yourself rather than just agreeing with them. This is a win-win situation.

 

Picking at Old Scars

When I was in elementary school, there was another kid who was a friend of mine who had a curious habit. I noticed that he often had a number open scabs on his arms, hands, and legs. One day, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked him about the scabs. He was somewhat embarrassed to explain that every time he had an injury and it healed to the point of being a scar, he would dig at the old scars until it bled again. Thus, he would start the process all over again and wait until it was healed to pick it until it bled again.  He just couldn’t stop it.

I hadn’t thought about this for nearly three decades and had consciously forgotten all about this. Then I had been trying to solve a vexing emotional concern of my own over an extended period of time with little luck. One night I had a dream about my childhood friend who picked his scars, and realized that this applied to the particular emotional difficulty I was trying to resolve.

Sometimes we have already healed from particular emotional wounds, but notice the old scar and begin to pick at it until it bleeds. But once we realize it is already healed, we can begin to let those old scars be, because they have already been healed.

Paddling a Canoe in Relationships

Your Relationships

When we have a relationship with another person, it’s a lot like the two of us are in a canoe. Some relationships are like you are doing all the paddling.  Some are like the other person does it all.  Some people find that the other person always does most of the paddling.  Others find that they do it all.

It’s good to pace your paddling to the speed of the other person.  You might get to feeling like things are going too slow and you will never get to your destination, so you start doing extra paddling and wind up exhausted and angry.  Or you might feel like the other person is more powerful and have a desire to let them do the paddling for you.

But the best relationships are the ones where the paddling happens to an equal amount.  So then you both arrive at the destination feeling much better than if you had paddled alone, and that satisfying feeling of knowing you both worked to get to your destination.

A Creek in the Woods in Psychotherapy

Have you ever been on a walk through the woods and come across an old creek bed–a path that a creek used to flow down, but at some point in the past has taken a new course? Well, when you begin making changes, it’s like a creek beginning to take a new course. It generally takes time for the new path to deepen. At first, water only rarely flows down the new path. As it deepens, water can often flow down both paths. As it deepens further, it will flow down the new path most of the time. Only when there is a heavy rain, does water flow down the old path. When there is a heavy rain under these conditions, water flows down both paths at the same time. Eventually, the old path begins to gradually fill in with trees, fallen leaves, and dirt. It takes a heavier and heavier rain to fill in the old creek bed. And in the end, there is a slight depression in the earth that only takes on water in the heaviest of rains, but it is a very small amount compared to the water that is flowing down the new path.

When you begin making changes, it is like the water beginning to take a new path. Most of the time it flows down the old path. As you progress, you might spend about 50% of the time in one path and 50% in the other. Eventually, you’ll stick with the new path most of the time. However, under times of stress or tumult (think heavy rain), the water will again flow down the new path. Now, there is no need to be distressed about this. Even though you are going down the old path under times of stress, you are also going down the new path at the same time. So, when the old patterns emerge, you will also see elements of the new pattern. You will see that the symptoms are not quite as intense as they were, and you may stop short of doing things that were problematic in the past (the new path). Over time the old path begins to fill in from lack of use. It begins to weaken, and the new path continues to strengthen and deepen.

 

Chiseling Away at the Boulder in Psychotherapy

Your Life's Difficulties

When you enter treatment there is often a feeling that your difficulties are like a great big boulder. You have tried and tried to move it on your own, but it is just too big and heavy. When we first start out, both you and I can move the boulder together. As time goes on, we carefully analyze the boulder for cracks, where chunks of the boulder can be chiseled away. Sometimes, we’re able to find a spot where a large chunk can be chiseled away. Other times, it’s slow going and there is much effort involved to chisel out a small piece. You are the one who does all the chiseling. I help you to discover the cracks and analyze the boulder.

As you continue to chisel away, the boulder slowly shrinks. It gets to the point where you need less and less help in moving it. Eventually, you find that it is small enough to push around on the ground on your own. You and I work together to continue looking for cracks where to chisel to make the boulder more manageable. For some people, that boulder gets shrunken down to the size of a grain of sand. For others, it’s remains somewhat heavy, but can be put in a backpack that results in some fatigue, and perhaps a little pain at times, but is manageable.

 

Draining the Swamp Lands

Swamp land can certainly have a few uses.  It can be used for wildlife preserves or fishing.  But many times, it can be more useful to drain a particular area of swamp land if one wishes to use the ground for other purposes.  I sometimes have conversations with patients about how they might go about draining a swamp and what it might be used for later.  Canals can be useful for draining the swamp and diverting in-flowing water sources.  Levies can be useful for keeping water out during times of heavy flooding.  Land that was formerly a swamp can often be quite fertile for growing crops.  And often a person can think of other ways to drain the swamp and for how they might use the land after it is drained.

Finding the Highest Path

Most people have within them a desire to seek a higher path than the one they’re on. For different reasons, they sometimes have difficulty doing this. They might believe they can’t handle a higher path or might be scared of the terrain. Or they may not trust their sense of direction. Or they may feel like the path they’re on is dangerous, but at least it’s familiar. In any event, in treatment, they begin to feel a sense of safety that will allow them to venture to ever higher paths. When they take a higher path for the first time, they might be scared. Over time, they grow more comfortable with an idea of a higher path, and they keep taking higher and higher paths until they find the highest path.

Polypharmacy becoming more prevalent for children

http://www.medscape.como/viewarticle/729311?src=rss

The Unconscious Google Search in Psychotherapy

Sigmund Freud viewed the unconscious part of the mind as a seething cauldron of repressed desires and expectations.  Milton Erickson viewed the unconscious mind as being full of forgotten resources that can be called upon to help an individual make the changes that they desire.  My view is more in line with Erickson’s view in general.

When you begin to work in psychotherapy with someone who has some understanding of the unconscious mind, the unconscious mind begins searching for solutions.  Imagine it being like a Google search…where a phrase such as “growth,” “solutions,” or “resolution” is typed into the search box.  Your mind has a wealth of information from your life’s experiences, and some of that information, you have forgotten.  But your unconscious mind can begin searching for that information and those experiences that will be of the greatest benefit to you now in resolving your difficulties.

And to that end, and within that framework, the mind begins searching.  Have you ever had the experience of thinking very hard on a problem and being unable to find a solution?  Have you ever went to sleep on it and woke up in the middle of the night with the solution mysteriously on your mind?  And can you imagine the same thing happening for certain vexing life problems?  I think we’ve all had that experience and it may seem surprising to imagine that this can take place with various kinds of life problems as well.

Threat Detecting Radar in Psychotherapy

Threat Detection

In the armed forces, radars are employed for detecting threats, and detecting friends.  Imagine this data being fed through a computer that is used to analyze for potential threats.  If the programming is set to be too sensitive, it’s possible that even birds might be flagged as threats.  If the system does not have a provision for detecting friends, all signals will be labeled as threats.  In this case, the system needs to be tuned to appropriately detect friends, irrelevant objects such as birds, and to more appropriately identify threats.

Many people have trouble with trusting.  Oftentimes, there was a very good reason that this pattern developed because of something that was done to the person in the past.  However, life experiences sometimes make our internal threat detecting radar overly sensitive and we begin to identify all types of things and people as threatening. Whereas the system for detecting threats worked perfectly well in the past, it may not be tuned appropriately to the current life situation.  Also, with the problem of anxiety, many things are identified as threatening that are not truly threatening.  Psychotherapy and homework assignments can serve to tune the threat detector.

The Wisdom of the Single Cell and Psychotherapy

One way to consider solutions to life’s problems is to consider the wisdom of a single cell.  I owe credit to a workshop at the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis for this metaphor.

One really ought to consider the wisdom of a single cell–what it does naturally.  In particular, consider the cell wall.  The cell wall performs vital functions for the cell.  It controls the flow of substances in and out of the cell.  If it is working well, it allows in things that the cell needs to thrive and survive.  It lets in nutrients and water only and keeps out toxins and other chemicals that would be harmful to the cell.  It expels waste products from metabolic processes.

The life of a cell can go wrong if it doesn’t let enough good things in, lets harmful things in, fails to keep good things in, or fails to expel wastes.  And emotional or psychological difficulties can usually be thought of in a similar way.  We let people in that we shouldn’t and expel people that we should.  We put things in our bodies that are harmful, and don’t put in enough good things into our bodies.  We hold on to old toxic feelings.

As you can see, this can be applied to relationships, diet, ways of thinking and feeling, bitterness, addictions, and so forth.  There is wisdom and solutions in the operation of a single cell, and it’s also likely that you can think of some other way to apply this metaphor that I haven’t thought of.

Life as a Boat in Psychotherapy

Life as a sailboat

It’s important as a psychologist to get a handle on the nature of a patient’s difficulties in order to plan their treatment.  One way I often do this is through the following metaphor.

If you think about the people I see in treatment as being like a boat, there are a number of different problems that the boats have.  Some have a faulty rudder or steering wheel.  Some have worn and broken sails..  Some have small leaks below decks and spend a lot of their energy bailing out the water.  Some are on the verge of sinking and just barely keeping above the water.  Some just need minor repairs in several areas to operate more efficiently.  Which boat are you?

In this way, I learn a great deal rather rapidly about a patient, and the patient also learns something new about themselves.  It is a quick way to gather some information about the nature and severity of the problem as well as what will be required in solving the problem.

An Unhealed Cut and Psychotherapy

Patients often wonder how revisiting old painful issues may be of benefit in psychotherapy.  They’re right to wonder about this, because doing so often evokes painful emotions.  First of all, it’s never wise to do trauma work if a person has severe instability in their life at the time.  Trauma work requires a relatively stable personal environment.

Once it has been ascertained that the environment is stable enough and that the patient is functioning well enough to handle increased distress, I will often begin explaining how it may be helpful to re-visit the traumatic episode.

Imagine that you have a severe cut on your arm.  The cut also has some dirt in it.  What would happen if you just put a bandage over it and ignored it because it would be painful to apply the treatment?

The patient typically responds that it would likely become infected and would not heal.

That’s exactly right.  The body has built in healing processes that are designed into it; however, there are some injuries that are severe enough to require that the wound receive treatment before the body’s natural processes can take over in the healing.  When a wound is washed out, antiseptic is applied, and the wound is closed, a person will experience increased pain.  There is no way around that pain.  In applying the treatment, the body’s natural processes can take over to heal that wound.  The same thing applies to severe emotional wounds.  The mind also has processes designed in that allow for automatic healing of emotional wounds.  But some emotional wounds are so severe that they must be revisited to release the emotions associated with it and to allow the mind to begin to assimilate just what took place.  And in the safe environment of treatment, one can begin to see aspects of what happened in a new light, the light of today’s understanding.  After enough of these issues have been addressed, the mind’s natural healing processes can begin to take over and continue the healing process.